BEFORE...
August 3, 2011 6:00-7:30 PM Reston Bikram Yoga Reston, VA
As if it hadn’t been hot enough all summer in DC, Club TAOS decided to embark on a 108 degree adventure – inside. From the Reston Bikram Yoga web site, they offer 48 “Bikram Yoga” classes per week. Classes are for all levels (uh huh, sure they are). Earlier in the day, two TAOS sistas were instant messaging about the evening’s event. So that you understand the tone set for the activity that evening, this was their IM exchange:Ashli George: I just got a sharp pain in my lower back. What is happening to us? Yoga better fix this. shana_spiess: oh no!!!
Ashli George: Just call me Ash Savasana shana_spiess: and Summer has a headache shana_spiess: Summer Savasana Ashli George: and Kristin is already scared and working outside all day w/ camp and will be exhausted shana_spiess: the Savasana Sistas
Their web site goes on to say: You do not need to sign-up for a series in advance; simply show up a few minutes before any of our classes. *They should have added: And by showing up a few minutes early, you had better be silent and in your om happy, peaceful place (a what?) and have your game face on because this is dead serious. (It was so painfully silent in the class and those way high on the “all levels” skill set were in various, awkward positions prepping for the class to begin. Some very silly and juvenile TAOS members (or member typing this blog entry) could hardly hold back the giggles. If it weren’t for the airless, stifling, painfully hot – OMG I can’t breathe -108 degree room, laughter would have ensued.) As you yogi friends reading this may already know, Bikram Yoga is a series of 26-postures completed in an order specifically designed to provide “optimal health and longevity” – assuming you don’t pass out and die in the first class. (Sorry, we really try to refer from using words like “dead” and “die” when figuratively describing events – those words have been over-used already in this post and until other words come to mind to adequately describe this situation, they shall remain in this post.) The class was 90 minutes of hell long, and typically done in a room about 105 to 110 degrees Fahrenheit to warm up the whole body, to work the body deep into muscles, tendons and ligaments and change/regenerate the body from the inside out. Our bodies must have been worked to the core since the temp reading in our room was 108. I. Can’t. Breathe. Adding insult to injury (thank goodness that hadn’t happened yet), Club TAOS members were separated. Really? The room was jammed pack and we – being “on time” – we moved around, placed apart, causing much disturbance to those student who had situated their mats, towels, water and puddles of sweat around them already. “Hi, we’re so new… clearly first timers… giggle, giggle… Could we be more disruptive?” To make a long, painful 90 minutes short, we all survived – some of us, barely. Instead of our typical social outing afterward, we sat at a picnic table cooling off in the 90 degree fresh air. We discussed the following moments, quotes and memorable events of the class that we did not want to forget: - “Massage the colon” – In 35+ years we had never heard such a phrase. It was said three times during class. We’re still not sure that our colons were properly massaged and no sista had fessed up to any post-colon-massaging relief.
- Puddles – We had never seen sweat accumulate in such large, splashy puddles by one human being as they did in Bikram yoga. It was as if we were just wetting ourselves the entire class. The dripping never lessened, the puddles never ceased.
- Men in Undies - Men wore what appeared to be underwear briefs to class. Such a distraction. Please wear clothing. (Although 10 minutes in to the class, we wished we were nearly naked as well. So. Damn. Hot.)
- “Your goal is to stay in the room” – Stay in the room? Easy peasy we thought. Thirty minutes in to class, this was no joke. As one sista felt light headed and was about to walk out of the class for air, the instructor advised her sit down and just breathe, as walking and getting to cooler air would just make it worse. From fear of actually passing out by walking or thinking this was actually sound advice, our sista sat down in her puddle to breathe. Impressively, she was able to rejoin the class!
- “First timer, back row” – Another sista was referred to in this manner and given a polite criticism… now that is just plain wrong. First timer, back row? Sheesh.
The last thing one should know about this particular yoga session was that the orange juice machine for fresh squeezed OJ is to be operated by a yogi staff member only, and even at that, she/he needs to be well-trained. There is a cup situated at the dispenser spout for excess “discharge” from the previous fresh squeezed drink that was made. One is not to drink the “discharge”. (More hilarity ensued from this word usage in Activity #10 from TAOS sistas… stay tuned for that blog post. It’s so worth the laughter. Ok, it’s funny to us.)
In summary, this outing was, eh…. Just what Club TAOS is all about: Trying Anything Once. Emphasis on the once in this case.
PS: Our instructor was a total Bikram bitch.
After....
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